Dinner for 10
You're having a dinner party with 10 guests from any point in history: famous, infamous, notorious or never even heard of. Who would sit at your table? Be as short as name only, or as long as providing your rationale- why you're bringing them to the table.
posted by Afta Midnite @ 9:43 AM
7 Comments:
At first the list doesn't read like there'd be any chemistry. But I think with a few rounds in them this group could really have a strangely awesome time together.
1. JC - aside for the obvious spiritual and philosophical aspects, JC brings a lot to the table with the whole "water to wine" thing. The bar is always open with JC presiding.
2. Leif Erickson - if we can show him to use the utensils for food and not killing, things will go well. This crazy bastard must be able tell a pretty decent story, maybe even one including the idiots who built the Vasa!
3. Pocahontas - facilitated, unknowingly, the European infiltration, colonization, confederation and everything that came after. Would want to know how she learned English, if she was treated well and which sect of historians have it right in the writing, revising and reinterpreting etc.
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Nelson Mandela - Long Walk to Freedom turns to Long Dinner.... but lovin it.
6. Betty Friedan - Trailblazer for Equal Rights and Women as the future Rulers of the World movement in the 1960s. Author of Feminine Mystique. (Bet Betty would have something to say to TJ about the whole Sally Hemming thing)
7. Phyllis Schlafly - a conservative who believes in the mystique of women, but who opposed the method and politics of Friedan and Steinem. Some in the media and within Feminism painted Schlafly as anit-Women's Liberation. Others classified her as just not agreeing with the execution and the soapboxing.
(love a good cat fight fueled by the exhange of ideas)
8. Jon Fishman - perceive him to be a great conversationalist. Funny, open-minded, and able to inject a quirky perspective, some rock star stories, and maybe even a J. (Drummer from Phish that stands all of about 5'3 who wore a dress while playing and sometimes played a Neal Diamond Cracklin Rosie with and through a vacuum cleaner)
9. Vince Vaughn - imagine he's a superp dinner guest: ties one on and blows smoke in Mandella's face accidentally and spends 5 mins apologizing, ending with "I'm the Asshole. Sorry." Then immediately and intentionally blows smoke in Pocahontas' face and gives her a wink. ... He's irreverent yet lovable, conterversial yet the life of the party. Somehow Vaughn would get in between a Phyllis/Gloria sandwhich and it would work ;)
10. Anger Fuck and Ass Ponies - cause we always rocked out together as a divided unit.
Honorable Mentions->
FDR was on my list yesterday. Since he's at Bobby's, he's busy. But the 1930/40s were truly an amazing and being at the helm for it all must be good dinner time conversation
Bob Dylan - don't think people could understand his utterances. Can't afford an uncomfortable silence cause nobdy wants to say "come again Bobby? tangled up in blumbles/mumbles."
Eve - would have loved to hear how it all went down. The first porno, if you catch my drift.
Chris Everett Lloyd - She's gotta have an amazing perspective coming of age post-60s in a male-dominated world of sports, yet staying sexy and hot! Male and MartinaNavratilova-like dominated realm...
Sammy Sosa - I really would love to invite and make him believe I'm respectin' him the way The Sammy demands to be respected (even though his actions don't earn it). Then upon arrival he would be bound to his chair. At any point during the meal if he decides to say anything he would summarily be beaten until he shuts up. He was taken off the list because trying to teach a lesson to a stubborn, stupid, spoiled multi-millionaire baby is like getting blood from a turnip. Plus JC and Mandella would probably get pissed: being childish and doing 'Eye for an Eye' is so Old Testament.
OK, this is quite the group. Off the wall, I know, but somehow a necessary collection…at least as far as my amusement, and it’s my party!
Here goes…
Adolph Hitler – nothing anti-semetic about the dinner host (yours truly), and no political motivation either. Just interested in picking the brain of the sinister “leader” of the Third Reich. Evil fascinates me. First question of many questions for the world’s leading psycho – “What gives man…why the insecurity?”
Kenny G – for no other reason than I need someone to sit next to Adolph…who more deserving. Plus, we could use a little background music while the after-dinner coffee is being consumed…elevator style. First question – “Why are you here again?”
My grandpa Wally – because he’s been deceased and incredibly missed for almost ten years now, and I want him to see what I’ve become. Plus, I think he was a closet fan of Kenny G. First question – “what’s it like up there.”
FDR – that’s Franklin D. Roosevelt for those who flunked the constitution test. He’s invited because he reigned over the free world while the greatest generation stormed the beaches and preserved freedom. Plus, it would be great to watch Adolph snarl at him, and refuse to pass him the bread. We’ll put them at opposite ends of the table. I’d invite Truman instead since he’s the bomb (pun intended…thanks), but FDR gets the call. First question, “do you have any idea how much the world benefited from your boys?” Of course you do…
Big B – no reason needed here. He’s the guest of honor at this shindig. He sits near the head of the table, at the right hand of the BFT…last supper style. First question, “Dude, did you take my beer?”
The cast of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” Those dudes kill me (that’s right, I watch the show!), and I can’t wait to see them dig on Adolph’s out of date army gear, and Kenny’s Brady bunch perm. I’m only counting them as one of my ten people because they’ll occupy one chair…they’ll just sit on each other’s laps (insert joke here). Besides, it’s my party, and I can queer it up if I want to. First question – “check out Big B’s skin quality…do you think he exfoliates?”
Chris Rock – because the group needs some comic relief, and this guy kills me consistently. Plus, I think he’d have a field day with Hitler, and who wouldn’t want to see that roast. First question – “When are you running for President, and would you still consider Bernie Mac as a running-mate?”
My significant Other – because I want her to meet Gramps…she would have loved him. Plus, she’d kill me if I threw together a gig like this, and didn’t pass her the Evite. First question, “do you mind if Rock sits here babe…we can see each other anytime?”
John Lennon – I got a fever, and the only cure is more Beatles. I got to have at least one musical insect at the gala, and John is my choice (sorry Paul, but he’s the walrus). I need to pick his brain about many a topic. He’s the guy I want for post-dinner story time as the group gathers around the man-made fire pit in the backyard of my palatial estate (hey, we’re making this sh!t up anyway right). I might even ask him to do an acoustic set (sorry Kenny, you’re sitting this one out…in fact, your ride is here…thanks for coming…drop Adolph off will ya?). First question, “Oh, I’m sorry…have you met…
Jimi Hendrix – Jimi, Jimi, Jimi…where for art thou? He’s invited because it’s impossible not to. Jimi will provide the groupie stories (I’m sorry, I mean band-aids), the mid dinner guitar solos, and he’ll bring the good Sh!t that we can puff, puff, give, as we share stories. Picture him sitting next to John plucking the strings while John sings a Hendrix style version of “In My Life” as I slip into an awe-induced coma as I will officially have died and gone to heaven…
-BFT
Bryan's Post:
Tough and interesting question my ponie brethren. Revealing, yet mysterious. Simple, yet complex. It's everything I have come to expect in my musical hijinx partner in one question. Ponies Ride!
1. Pete Townshend - my favorite musician, see Quadrophenia. BFT has Bono, I have Townshend. We'll write a few tunes and hammer out the story for Tommy 2. It's a story about a kid from the Northwood' who moves to the Big City in search of fortune and fame...but only finds ruin and despair...
2. Tom Hanks - my favorite actor, he has to bring Wilson and reruns of Bosom Buddies (why isn't that show on DVD yet?).
3. Yoda - my favorite movie character. The smallest, most powerful, and most wisest. 900 years old you be, look as good you will not. We'll discuss his motivational and leadership strategies. Midway through dinner he'll lift the table with his Jedi powers, yeah he's showing off, but he's had a few, plus he's old.
4. Homer Simpson - my favorite TV character. Mmmmm...open faced sandwich. Just a funny dude. We'll discuss the merits of beer, football, and what's the deal with Marge's hair.
5. Spiderman - my favorite superhero. With great power comes great responsibility. What's Mary Jane like, really? Does your costume ever ride? Did you ever shoot yourself in the eye with a web?
6. Angelina Jolie - my number 1. We need some ladies at the shin dig and since she's my number 1 right now I've got to choose her. Yeah, I know she's a little freaky, but who isn't. Don't judge, you a-holes. We wont exchange vials of blood or anything. She will get my name tattooed on her left thigh though. I'll get A.J. on my upper arm. After we've broken up and people ask me what my tattoo means, I'll tell them it stands for apple juice. I love it, good tasting and good for you.
7. Albert Einstein - maybe the smartest human being of all time. I just want to see him write E=mc2 on a cocktail napkin, slam 2 ICB's and say, "ah, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway", and toss the napkin in the garbage.
8. George Washington - the founding father himself. I'm fascinated by the birth of our country and the American revolution. I just want to hear some of the stories and tell him thanks.
9. John F. Kennedy - An amazing leader, charisma, intelligence, and a way with the ladies (see Marilyn Monroe). I imagine him to be one of those people who when he entered a room you could feel the air tingle (sort of like Jimbo, Lance, and Tiffany). I want to see JFK respond when BFT (after too many drinks) says, "K-man, how was it shagging Marilyn, seriously?"
10. BFT - I wasn't going to invite friends because I'm like a parent, I love you all equally, but if I get invited to BFT's bash you know he's coming to mine (dude I was going to invite you anyway). The invite also extends to your lady BFT, but she'll have to sit on the floor, I don't have a table big enough for 11. Post dinner festivities will include a short set of B-Squared classics, including hits such as "Pass the Snack Mix", "I'm a Man, Man", "Slippin and Sliding All Over You", and "Junk in the Trunk - A Love Song".
Dinner will be bratwurst, sauerkraut, nachos, and carrot cake. Beverages will include South African wine, C-bergs, ICB's, and Duff (for Homer).
Upon thinking about this glorious conundrum...
Limitless curiosity bound by a finite numerical ration.
A mere tablespoon in the bucket of endless possibilities from which I choose who to frolic with in a shared moment of time.
...I realized I was screwed.
I didn't even know what the fucking question was asking.
Am I inviting 10 guests to dinner meaning dinner for 11?
Or is the dinner really for 10, with a total of 11 people present, and one person doesn't eat?
I guess that could be a reason to bring Hitler back from the dead for dinner.
Starve the motherfucker to death.
Once I moved past the ambiguity of the semantics I realized I was just stalling.
So many ways to answer this question!
Initial Thought:
The answer is obvious...family and friends, time is limited. They are the people that mean the most to me. I should cherish and yearn for spending moments with them.
Rebuttal...This is a hypothetical question, get creative, get selfish.
Political figures.
Monumental thinkers.
Figments.
The influencers.
The creations.
The creator.... guest one please take your seat (reasons to come)
The spotless.
The spotted.
The visionaries.
The visions.
THE DEMENTED.
Rebuttal wins.
THAT'S HOW YOU DEBATE!!!!
Surprise, surprise, I decided to take the selfish route. But in this case justification is unnecessary and completely futile.
Suppression is temporary.
Dreams are the reality of opportunity.
And opportunity is a dream on the verge of reality.
Does that mean we get but one reality and an endless supply of dreams or a reality based upon a supply of endless dreams?
Regardless, it's time for dinner.
Guest One: The Creator
Sitting back in a Victorian style throne, evergreen velvet a top the contours of gold replicated lion paws, is the stogie smokin’ badass.
"I put you here.
I take you out.
You plan on playing Bruce Almighty for a night, and expect me to pick up sushi and rent Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, while the Big Bang goes on without a hitch?
Think again.
I'm coming.
I'm hungry.
And your not inviting anyone from the Crusade Era.
You fall asleep for a hundred fifty years and people stroll about like they know shit.
Where do you think I came up with the idea for the Clap?"
Guest Two: The IDEA that has become commonly referred to as The Devil
Listen, if a mandate is being thrown down during my dinner party, I'm putting The Thrilla in Manila to shame.
I figure it'll become a battle to impress, with the rest of the dinner guests as the beneficiaries.
Ok fine, impress, win souls for eternity.... same difference.
Guest Three: A Genie
All right three more wishes!!!!
Rules are meant to be bent.
And therefore, hired help just became part of the dinner party without being counted as a guest.
And by the way...
This is no ordinary Genie.
This is like Robin Williams, Barbara Eden, and The Great Gazoo all mixed in one.
And yes Gazoo is just as good as a genie.
Let's see you get a man away from a dinosaur, out of watching his kids, into a water buffalo hat and a game of bowling, and see if you don't feel qualified to pop out of a bottle and grant wishes.
Wish One - Musical Entertainment
Jimi, Jerry, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bryan, Tom, John, Paul, George, Ringo, Stevie, Stevie, Miles, Robert, Muddy, B.B., Aretha, Etta, Ella, Eric, Duane, and Trey please take your places. The show is about to begin. And no, Bob, Bryan, and Tom are not a coincidence.
Wish Two - A Serving Staff
On water, Moses. “C'mon dude part it...”
The Clean up crew, Houdini. “Where'd the mess go? Man, he is good.”
And let me introduce you to the waitress for the evening... Ms. Jenna Jameson. After all, she IS the human races' best representation of qualified to serve.
Wish Three - A Chef
In comparison...
BAM kicks up nothing but dirt.
Julia holds her liquor like a nun on a binge.
And the Irons are flaccid.
I present to you the only chef with a state of mind that would enable him to handle the pressure of the situation and crowd...
The Swedish Chef.
Fookin'Cookin'.
In actuality Jim Henson needed to be represented. Any man who can conjure the innocence of youth, and connect millions of work trodden adults to their children through a nostalgic sensation using only felt and imagination, deserves to be represented.
Guest Four: Apollo, the mythological figure responsible for music
If given the opportunity to pay homage where homage is due; it becomes not only right to do so, it becomes an honor.
Listen, I’m not saying I believe in Greek mythology. What I believe in is the sure magnitude of genius behind the inspiration and thought of such a wonderful creation. And I want to bring this creation to life, so I’m having a fucking dinner party, and Apollo’s passing the mash potatoes.
Enjoy the concert my man!
Guest Five: A being from another planet
Let’s get past the egocentric thought that we are the only creatures in this incomprehensible amount of space, and recognize others exist. Let’s recognize how much we could learn from one another and laugh with one another. Given their existence, (and the fact that they don’t eat humans, aren’t out for galactic domination, and don’t hunt other planetary beings for sport) I think it might be pretty important to invite the neighbors over for dinner every now and then, to avoid being looked at as the creepy old lady of the neighborhood.
Where making this dinner party the corner tavern to the galaxy.
“Car bombs anyone?”
Guest Six: Leonardo Da Vinci
Perhaps the most advanced human mind ever when it came to comprehension and invention.
Sigmund Freud said: “Leonardo da Vinci was like a man who awoke too early in the darkness, while the others were all still asleep.”
Well, of course! When you‘re the head of a prestigious and affluent secret society that focuses on the sexual nature of human existence, why would you ever sleep?
“Fidelio anyone?”
Jenna, “Did somebody say fellatio?”
Leonardo, “Jenna hush up and show the creator how to smoke a stogie.”
Guest Seven: Buddha
Many have attempted to disseminate a message of equality, unity and cosmic love everywhere. Few have been successful, and virtually no others were as influential on as many as Buddha.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…look at the man’s belly, you know he can eat. And his name!!!
We’re talking about Compton style good times now!
Guest Eight: The person or team of people responsible for the cure to cancer
There are undoubtedly millions of noble causes. There are undoubtedly limitless injustices that happen to people. However, this cause, this injustice, has been too dominant and prevalent in the lives of many close to me.
I don’t believe world peace is possible. I don’t believe world hunger will end. I don’t believe sexually transmitted diseases will ever be eliminated. However, I do believe cancer will be cured, and I want to shake the hands of those who made it happen.
Guest Nine: Vincent Van Gogh
I envisioned what the room that held this magnificent gala would like; all the guests in their respective places at the table, the décor, the excitement. I felt as though the only person would do it justice, who would capture the mysticism of the moment without removing its energy, would be Vincent. Then I realized the absinthe would probably distort things a bit too much…okay maybe just one!!!
It’s so good when it touches your lips!
Guest Ten: Me knocking on deaths’ door
Ok so it might be a bummer at a party to see a guy on his way out, but we’re talking about me people. I’m taking the party to the grave!
I actually, think the opportunity to speak to me with the experience of my life under my belt would be too much to pass up. I would know that there are certain things I would need to learn on my own, and others that couldn’t be described no matter who was speaking, and the elder me would not even attempt to discuss these in the conversation. However, being able to hear my regrets, able to hear what the last few things I wanted to do were, and to engrain within my brain what I considered most important the moments before dying…too much perspective to pass up.
Post Party:
If at all possible; dinner would be finished with dessert as only Willie Wonka and the Oompa Loompas could, none other than the great Confucius would brew tea, cousin Shel and I would say hello to the Calistoga Kid, and Keith Richards would pop in to fuck with the Devil.
-Thanks for the thoughts Tommy.
I'm going for "as short as name only here" :).
1. Jesus
2. Paul (from the Bible)
3. C.S. Lewis
4. J.R.R. Tolkien
5. Charles Dickens
6. Donald Knuth
7. Jeanne Guyon
8. Oprah
9. Josh (who would have a party and not invite their boyfriend)
10. My mom (or thier mom)
guest 10 of afta midnight was my favorite. I liked his post party, too.
it's about time i found the time to piece together my piece... like to hear it, here it goes...
as guests arrive, they are greeted at the door by guest #1. who better than the consummate butler to make sure everyone is taken care of throughout the evening? and anytime the conversation calls for a translation, point of reference, or irrelevant banner ad we can always ask jeeves.
no sooner than he enters the house, guest #2 slithers off to the kitchen in search of booze and near-empty whipped cream bottles. he pauses at the oven and sticks his head in for a minute. "there he goes trying to kill himself again," i think. little do i know he's just checking to make sure the mojo's rising. a true inspiration to me throughout my most formative years and the reason i starting writing (for fun) i've invited #2 to push the limits of the conversation and also to see if i can match him drink for drink.
just as #2 begins to break on through to the other side of the house, guest #3 attract the lizard king's attention and draws him over to the table so dinner can begin. #2 always did have a thing for l.a. women (or any female with a pulse really) and, in exchange for some of his previously unreleased lyrics for her to lip-sync on her tour, maybe she'll actually give him some pieces, pieces, pieces of her. so why have i invited this talentless puppet to such a grandiose soiree? as it turns out, i don't want her autobiography so i won't ask her. instead i'll ask her to do what she does best... sit there and look pretty... maybe even perform a hoedown or two. at the end of the day, er, night, we'll all be thankful to have someone pleasing on the eyes sitting near us (no offense, guest #10, you fall in this category too) but who won't feel like they have (or are able) to contribute to the dialogue, for it will surely be hard enough to get a word in edgewise as is... it will be hard and don't call her shirley! now i know some of you would rather have her big sister fill this role but i just wouldn't be able to deal with all the whining, farting, and dumb-ass questions. no, that's not really chicken, sweetheart.
guest #4 asks the group for silence so he can commence with the prayer before the meal. included on the invite list both to add to the spiritual enlightenment of the evening as well as shed some light on this whole new kaballah craze, #4 lived back when water was drunk from the well, not a $5 bottle that promised to bring you closer to god... and red strings were used for weaving clothes and rugs, not wearing on your wrist. a man whose work i studied growing up more so that i could pass a test rather than challenge my intellectual boundaries, #4, to this day, is perhaps the most famous commentator on the old testament and a man whose writings (which were written in a script he invented and is no longer used) force you to really read between the lines and never stop questioning. while providing new meanings to #2 and #3's song lyrics, #4 ensures that the conversation never stops by continually presenting alternate ways to interpret what was just said. "more bread sir?" asks #1. "if you're implying that i might be in need of financial considerations due to the ragged cloths which adorn my body, i must respectfully refuse your charity... material is immaterial to me" replies #4... "and, if you're implying that i am in need of nourishment based on my gaunt cheeks and fragile frame... i must object, for my appetite cannot be quenched at the hands of mere mortals... only the word of god can feed by soul... can i get an amen?"
"challah at yo boy!" yells #3 prompting the butler to relegate her to the kid's table... there she joins guest #5 who was sitting all by himself practicing his "abc's" and "123's." why have i used one of my invites on this "bad" boy? well, children fascinate me. no, not in the kind of way that this "thriller"-seeking freak became fascinated by kids as he got older but in a naive, innocent, simple outlook on the world kinda way. #5 always wanted to be a kid forever so i guess he'd be getting his wish and the rest of us, who've been thinking he should start playing with kids his own age, will feel better too. aside from creating this win-win scenario, i'd like to tap this "smooth criminal" for his peter pan perspective when the conversation gets too heavy.
as #1 serves the rest of the meal, he stops and thanks guest #6 again for his wonderful invention that has made his life in the kitchen so easy over the years. all he has to do it set it (all together now) and forget it! a man who sported collagen implants before it was even sheik, guest #6 was invited for the following reasons... 1) he understands the true beauty of convenience. i'd like to commission him to design a new line of gadgets just for my house. 2) he's got a way with words. a master sloganist, i'd like to see if i can match wits (or at least puns) with him throughout the night. 3) i'd love to find out what my fraternity was like 30-some years ago. 4) i'd like to sell him some search engine listings (not $5 per click, not $4 per click, not even $3 per click... just $2.99 per click... but wait, if he buys now, i'll also throw in this wonderful pop-up ad, his free if he calls within the next 30 minutes.) and 5) #10 needs all the help in the kitchen she can get.
guest #7 is a sentimental choice... a teacher, mother, and grandmother with a heart of gold, #7 would not stand for any negativity at the table. her motto was "keep it up, don't stop" and her mix of courage, optimism, and enthusiasm was contagious. after the first course, she drags everyone outside for a quick jog to get the juices flowing and keep the energy high. more than anything, i've invited her so that she can meet #10. i just know they'd get along so well... and it would make her so happy to know that this is who i've chosen to spend the rest of my life with. before the end of the night, i'll make sure to pull her aside and tell her how much she's influenced me over the years (even after her passing) and if, somehow, we can have dessert with afta midnite's crew, i'd like to introduce her to his guest #8 in the hopes that they can share some of their magic serum with her.
my guests #8 and 9 actually skip dinner as they are busy outside settling the debate once and for all. playing a little one on one in the driveway (no free throws in street ball) #9 finishes off #8 11-5 with his signature two-handed, knee-raised jam. huffing and puffing, these giants join us at the table just as after-dinner drinks are being served. #8 goes for scotch while #9 sticks with red bull. three glasses later, #8 is providing some much needed conversation diversion by telling us all how exactly he was able to sleep with 20,000 women in his 63 years. meanwhile #9 is collaborating with #2 on a rap version of "love me two times"... "love me two times, baby, from the charity stripe... love me two times girl, cuz i measure up to the hype."
amidst all the chaos, guest #10 has been keeping me cool, calm, and collected throughout. the ying to my yang, the dot to my "i", the coffee to my meal, the finale to my fireworks, the sentence to my finish, the needle on my record, the free one to my buy one, #10 simply completes me. even in this imagined world, i would not want to experience a single meaningful occasion without her there. busting out her guitar after dessert (lord knows, she would never miss dessert) #10 takes the group by storm with her deep, strong vocals and sets the stage for the improvisation throwdown that only this assembled crew can manifest... and it sounds a little something like this...
"oh, nashville"
"closer to miami than la"
"yeah nashville, where i had a few to lay"
"no matter where, ya gotta keep pressing"
"it's showtime, time to add the dressing"
"tell me baby, ooh, am i black or am i white"
"well i suppose it depends on the quality of light"
"cuz i was living in the shadow"
"of a hollywood bungalow"
"nashville, capital of tennessee, population 504,505, would you like to see a map, sir?"
thanks for indulging me... and to all, a good night.
dogg out.
p.s. #4 was rashi.
ya heard!
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